Miserably miserable

That there is someone out there mad at me. And all I can say is, why? Why now? Why at this exact moment in time did you decide to get mad at me? If I had sat with you at lunch on Monday and talked to you and nodded to everything you said, would this be happening?

So now I'm super depressed. I could barely eat last night and I could barely eat this morning. I don't know what brought on this hostility and all I can say is that I want it to go away. I feel so terrible. Almost as if I want to hurt myself (don't worry, I won't. because I know things will work out in the end). I hate feeling this way. I feel a stupid lurch in my stomach that makes me terrified of what could happen. I have shivers up and down my arms from just thinking about this awful fight.

Casey, I thank you for being there when I need someone to talk to. You too, Jackie. You two rock and will always be there for me, I know this. And Michelle, thanks for making me laugh about the whole situation yesterday.

And the whole problem I'm having is that I know K is mad at me and I know why she's mad at me (well, not the whole reason. apparently, there are about 20 reasons why she's mad and she just isn't too happy to share them all with me at this moment).

And last night, when I got that message, you know, the one on MySpace where she's trying to yell at me online (which is doing a mighty fine job, btw) she hurt me so much that I cried. Literally. Cried. Becuase she hurt me that much. It's almost like she didn't know me as a person. Like the last four years we've known each other have been competely erased. And it hurts. Oh, yeah. It hurts like hell.

She doesn't know how much I value her friendship. How much I love hanging out and playing GuitarHero and listening to music and going to concerts. Or even just planning on going to concerts and never actually going. And talking about books. We do that constantly. Talk, talk, talk. It's a disease, it really is.

So now, tonight. I am going to go either to see Ellis or either to see Prom Night with a bunch of friends (sadly not including K. I am really sad about this, too. Becuase if she were to come, I know that we would have a fabulous time). I sort of don't want to go to see Prom Night though because Ellis is leaving tomorrow for Nashville and I probably won't ever see him again (well, I'll see pictures and I'll see his Facebook and I will hopefully see his CD becuase he'd better come out with one. He is very talented). And no, Ellis is not aquainted with me in that way. I've just seen him play his guitar around the town of Boringville, USA so many times with Mollie and K. It was fun, but now not very likely to ever happen again.

Now I'm miserable all over again, just talking about this stupid fight and why on earth it is happening now! Why now? Might I ask. Why this week? Why on earth is this happening to me? I didn't do anything wrong? Did I?

Oh wait, I forgot that I didn't sit by her at lunch. That is totally worth a terrible punishment.

Jeez.

Later,

Anya